Best Fake Smile

I have been debating about writing this blog for quite a while now, its very personal and for those who dont know me it will seem quite shocking maybe but its life and life can be pretty trying at times. Before I start I would like to point out that this is a very small version of what went on, its an insight to what Ive been through within a very short period of time. Ill start with this photo, look at me, dont I look happy? I should it was my wedding day back in 2012, well I wasnt happy, infact I was crying inside, I was going through an eating disorder, I was not happy in my relationship and yet from the outside I looked so happy, I was putting on my best fake smile.

Dont get me wrong, I wasnt taking marriage as a joke because I understand that it isnt but I was trapped, in this hole I couldnt get out off, I remember being worried about eating my dinner that night, I weighed myself the morning of my wedding just to make sure I had lost weight....of course I had and that was probably making me smile more than anything else. Im not going to mention anything about my ex partner as Im not one for naming names or telling stories about others who are not in my life anymore but we were not happy and Ill leave it at that.

I enjoyed the run up, picking things with my mum etc but really all I wanted was for someone to carry me away from it all and end it for me, all my focus was on my eating, what I ate, was it good, was it bad? I was surviving on around 600 calories a day and even that seemed far too much for me.

I weighed myself various times during the day, I worked out all the time, my clothes were hanging of me and I weighed around 8 stone. Now for those reading this who are Eating disorder savvy I wasnt "underweight" according to the doctors, I was actually a healthy weight for my height but for those close to me they knew it was too thin.

It got to the stage where I dreaded going home, I dreaded talking to people asking me about marriage and all I wanted to do was run away.

Then shortly after the wedding I got a job, I found new friends and turned my life around, I got counselling for my eating disorder and slowly but surely recovered from it, I still to this day get niggling thoughts about food but I know now how to push them away. Since then I have had another baby (DB) I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now and I am a healthy 11stone.

I go to slimming world and for some that may sound crazy, I actually put on too much weight and Ive been able to lose it in a healthy way since joining, it helps me in a way I cant even explain, I dont even think about what calories are in food I just look forward to eating it!! The friends I have made since that horrible time In my life are amazing and the family I have around me are incredible!!

I stuggled so badly, I told people to leave me alone, I pushed people away but I have turned it all around and Ive never been happier, no longer do I have to put on a best fake smile I just put on my genuine smile!

This post was really for me, to put this out there and let people know that you can overcome anything that comes your way, I always listen to people with an open mind and an open heart, how do I know what they have went through? I dont so I listen, I am there for them and I will always be!!

Thanks for reading

MBDB

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